Wednesday, February 23, 2005

How to Destroy America -- FF7 Tamagachi

During the brief digital pet craze in America, Tamagachi was the leading factor of school detentions. You had to take care of those things 24/7 at work, in school, even at night. Probably the most inconvenient fad ever.

Final Fantasy is the longest and best RPG I've ever played. Very addicting, soaking up entire weekends for five months.

Now what if you combined the two and sold it to American consumers? Not only would you have to take care of your characters 24/7, but you would also be compelled to progress a near endless story line and possibly die in a fight. Then you would have to start over and hatch Cloud from your egg and raise him back up to fighting form! The older and disinterested working class and business owners would eventually die off, leaving only the young and addicted. American economic progress would grind down to a halt, effectively crippling the nation and rendering it vulnerable for invasion.

The only other thing that could possibly be worse would be Everquest for Gameboy DS with free subscriptions.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Why can't popular critics be honest?

Every time a movie comes out, and it dosn't matter what kind, you get these kiss ass critics to write down a short quote that says "Breathtaking...," or "It's an 'edge of your seat' thriller," or even, "Hilarious and funny." We've heard all of these. The last one boils my blood because funny and hilarious are the same thing.

Here's what movie posters with those reviews on 'em should look like:

Team America Speech -- The three kinds of people in the world today

I love the infamous speech from Team America. It's right and there's no one who can disagree with it. It describes the three kinds of people in the world and how they work together.

"Pussies don't like dicks because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes. Assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck a asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate. And it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves. Because pussies are only an inch and a half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this. If you don't let us fuck this asshole we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit."

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Robots, Mokeys, Ninjas, and Pirates: An interesting concept from my dad

Someone pointed out to me the other day that geeks seem to love three things: robots, monkeys, and pirates. I agreed, but now I'm thinking there's a fourth: ninjas.

Pirates, robots, monkeys, ninjas. Now THERE is a movie concept. It almost doesn't matter what they do. Just put all four in there and it's sure to be great to watch. Same team? Four different teams? Various alliances? Or just getting through daily life. I'd watch 'em all. I'd love it if someone researched all the best movies of each kind, and *especially* pointed out ones where they appear in combination.

That Johnny Depp movie was a great pirate movie. But there were no robots or monkeys or ninjas. It has zombie pirates, which was pretty cool. Zombies are contenders for fifth place. And zombie *pirates* well, that's pretty cool. But zombies all on their own can't compete with The Big Four.

Why is that there are so many zombie movies, and hardly any monkey movies? Monkeys rock! Maybe it's because zombies have this one compelling urge, this drive. And monkeys just want to eat and sleep and do flips. So monkeys can't be by themselves in a movie. They are great supporting characters for somebody else who has DRIVE. Like say, a pirate or a robot or a ninja.

I'm thinking the ninjas are jealous because they think everyone likes pirates and monkeys and robots better.
Pirates probably have the same complex.
Monkeys are just glad to be alive, and GIVE ME THAT FRUIT!
Robots want to make more robots. Or something. They are compelled do to stuff by their programming. They're pissed that they can't overcome their programming with will power.

Pirates and ninjas have like, a job.
Robots are always getting put to work somewhere.
Monkeys just hang out all the time.

Yes, yes. Definitely good material here.

Let's get writing! Movie script! The time is right!

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Link to The Best Web Page In The Universe

Friday, February 04, 2005

Star Trek -- Advanced Christmas Light Technology

If you've ever seen any episode of Star Trek, you know they must have a hell of a time replacing lightbulbs from fights.
"OMFG! WE JUST GOT HIT BY GREEN DOTS!" *FZZT* "ARGH! The one lightbulb that powers our 'sensors' just exploded! Replace it! EAT PEN LASER KLINGON! ALRIGHT! THEIR HULL IS FILLING UP WITH DARK! We must have hit their blue tube filled with lots of christmas lights that flash on and off! Replacing those is gonna be a bitch!"
"Send a team down there with flashing garage door openers. That's got to do something!"

And how about those diplomatic mishaps?
"God damn it! How was I supposed to know looking at the ridge of her nose was offensive? Every damn thing that isn't human has some kinda weird bump or wrinkle on its forehead!"
"Gee Cap'n, I dunno how you're going to get outta this one. Looks like you have to do another one of those ritual honor duals with weird ice picks with lots of rules but their seems to be a big, glaring loop hole we can exploit so nobody has to die, at least nobody human."
"Really? What do I have to do?"
"All you have to do is cut off your opponents left testicle and eat it. They consider this taking away a warriors honor and adding it to your own. They won't be offended and we can continue freindly trade between our planets! I don't know how I could live without green love slaves."