Thursday, October 27, 2005

Has it occurred to anyone that we may be the Klingons of the our galaxy?

Considering how much farther advanced out military applications (all nations, not just our own) than anything else we make, you have to admit, we LOVE war.

"HEY! MY HILL!" "NO! MINE!" *Guy A kills guy B* "MY HILL!" "......." Problem solved.
The swift results of violent action evolved faster than our ability to negotiate peacefully.

And when we look at the rest of history war is the founder of almost all nations and the mother of invention. The trebuchet is one impressive piece of engineering, and much more fun to use than an architecturally inspiring and dumbfounding structure of a non-military nature. At least my inner ape says so. All those neat steels and plastics and rubber materials come from solving a problem from a war-time scenario.

Now I'm not preaching war and I'm not saying war is a good thing. I'm saying it's in our nature to dish out pain and like it, especially if it gets us what we want from stubborn opponents. Not everybody's like that right away, but I believe I can safely say when it comes to a heated argument (we all have 'em) we deep down would like to just smash some face. Ethics stops us from doing that all the time because a lot of us feel bad afterwards and its also not gonna get us what we want most of the time, but we still wanna. We even play games based on the most nightmarish events that could possibly happen to us. I'm pretty sure no war vets play Battlefield 1942 and say, "Aw, yeah! I pwned teh n00bs with my mad kamikaze skillz! W00T!" "Look at them run!" "ROFLMAO! I RAN MY FLACK TRACK INTO MY OWN BARRACKS AND BLEW UP! THEY'RE ALL ON FIRE! FRIENDLY FIRE! LOL!"

So Star Trek is even fonier when it designates the human race as the diplomats of the galaxy, tip-toeing around traditions and treaties and trying to understand alien cultures. It would be more realistic to place us right next to our battle brothers, the Klingons, bellowing "KAPLAH!"

Monday, October 03, 2005

Mortal Kombat Deception -- This old dog needs to be put down

I'm not a big fan of the Mortal Kombat series so I'm somewhat set up to not like this game in the first place. Mortal Kombat has a legacy of crappy games that it's die hard fans gobble up and then scream for more. I honestly can't see why. The funny buckets of blood and brutal fatalities are fun to do for ten minutes, but the inferior fighting engine just yanks the fun right away. Unlike EVERY OTHER successful fighting game, MK decides to stick with a very strict system of lengthy combos that just widdle down the health bar. Grab moves were never a big part of MK and still are a huge minority. The combos themselves are difficult and none too impressive, unless you are amazed by a flying body getting smacked in the legs eight times. Special moves like fireballs and teleporting are just for show and tend to leave you wide open for the unforgiving AI. I felt like my character was made of wood and could only make one motion at a time and then stick in that position longer than I'd like. There is no fluid motion whatsoever. It's like controlling a robot filled with jam. The boss is still not fun to fight. Super Smash Bros. has a better fighting engine.
MK Deception has some interesting game modes like Kombat Chess and a puzzle mode. Kombat chess is like Archon which makes for some interesting strategy, but you can still not how to play Archon or chess and still win if you're the better MK fighter. Puzzle mode is a variant of Tetris which isn't fun to play. Yeah, Midway found a way to ruin Tetris.
The final line is MK sucks and always has. The reason it's alive today are all the old fans who can't get enough of the gory fun. I hate this game with a passion. Only MK fans should buy this, there is no other reason to buy this game unless you're a slave to Midway's crap fighter.

Corpse Bride -- God damn it Tim Burton

Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas" was a likeable film just like "Edward Scissor Hands" and "Beetle Juice." Today, a Tim Burton film guarantees a waste of two hours and five bucks. "Monkey Bone" was the last Burton film I saw and... yeachhh! But now he's doing the stop-motion animation again! Surely it will be the redeeming work, the savior of noir Hot Topic shoppers. Miss.
The issue with Corpse Bride is that it's... boring. If I'm a kid and want to see a PG movie, I get a long, drab movie about a loser and a small population of singing zombies and greedy parents. If I'm an adult who remembers "The Nightmare Before Christmas" I'm sorely disappointed with how inferior this movie was and how unfunny it was.
The plot basically follows another Johnny Depp (This time his name is Victor) who is forced into an arranged marriage, which isn't so bad since he likes the girl. He just can't get his wedding vows down. Then he accidentally marries a corpse and that means he gets pulled into the netherworld for some reason. The world of the dead is, for some reason, really small and just contains the dead of the nearby area of Victor's village. That and Napoleon. Then there's trouble at home with his betrothed who is targeted by some lame, lame villain who nobody would love to hate.
There's no fun in this movie. No good jokes, no good scenes, no exceptional acting. No one is impressed except Hot Topic shoppers. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't good. Also, nobody likes singing in their movies anymore unless it's a movie about singing. It's all filler anyways so come up with a better script next time, although there shouldn't be a next time.